As some of you know, I’ve been in Dallas for the past four weeks, doing some work for our office up here. It’s mainly field work (inspections), so I haven’t been doing much shaving lately. As I stared at my Unabomber beard in the mirror this morning, I started to wonder if it was time for me to sport a new look.
When I first grew my beard three years ago, I was mainly trying to look older. I have a lot of responsibility in my day job, and the last thing I wanted a client saying was, “He’s how old?” Thus, I decided to pull a Teddy Pendergrass and grow the beard.
But now that I’m a little older, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s time to retire the beard. Plus, Mrs. V never liked it anyway–she said it was hard to cuddle because it always scratched her. (Of course, being that I’m anti-cuddling, maybe I should keep the beard). But if I did cut the beard, what new look should I go with? Here are the options:
1) The clean shaven look a.k.a. “THE DENZEL”
Cons: It’d be a pain in the ass to shave every day. And let’s be honest–it’d take a lot more than a smooth face to look as cool as Denzel.
2) The full goatee a.k.a. “THE ANGRY BLACK MAN”
Cons: If I don’t shave it regularly, I’ll end up looking like Jamie Foxx from Miami Vice.
3) The Van Dyke a.k.a. “THE CHAPPELLE”
Cons: I also used to drink Amaretto Sours and eat Ramen noddles in college. Some things aren’t worth revisiting.
4) The Soul Patch a.k.a. “THE HERO”
Pros: Hiro, Phil Jackson, and R. Kelly have been seen sporting it. Why wouldn’t I want to be like them.
Cons: A fictional superhero, a 66 year old man with a bad hip, and “the Urinator” sport this. My wife would never sleep with me again.