A New Look

As some of you know, I’ve been in Dallas for the past four weeks, doing some work for our office up here. It’s mainly field work (inspections), so I haven’t been doing much shaving lately. As I stared at my Unabomber beard in the mirror this morning, I started to wonder if it was time for me to sport a new look.

When I first grew my beard three years ago, I was mainly trying to look older. I have a lot of responsibility in my day job, and the last thing I wanted a client saying was, “He’s how old?” Thus, I decided to pull a Teddy Pendergrass and grow the beard.

But now that I’m a little older, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s time to retire the beard. Plus, Mrs. V never liked it anyway–she said it was hard to cuddle because it always scratched her. (Of course, being that I’m anti-cuddling, maybe I should keep the beard). But if I did cut the beard, what new look should I go with? Here are the options:

1) The clean shaven look a.k.a. “THE DENZEL”

Pros: If I could look a tenth of how cool Denzel looks, it would be worth it. Plus, that’ll give Mrs. V a chance to caress my baby smooth skin.

Cons: It’d be a pain in the ass to shave every day. And let’s be honest–it’d take a lot more than a smooth face to look as cool as Denzel.

2) The full goatee a.k.a. “THE ANGRY BLACK MAN”

Pros: Sporting this look is just like hanging a sign around my neck that says, “Don’t f@#$ with me.”

Cons: If I don’t shave it regularly, I’ll end up looking like Jamie Foxx from Miami Vice.

3) The Van Dyke a.k.a. “THE CHAPPELLE”

Pros: I used to sport this in college, so I’m used to it.

Cons: I also used to drink Amaretto Sours and eat Ramen noddles in college. Some things aren’t worth revisiting.

 

4) The Soul Patch a.k.a. “THE HERO”

Pros: Hiro, Phil Jackson, and R. Kelly have been seen sporting it. Why wouldn’t I want to be like them.

Cons: A fictional superhero, a 66 year old man with a bad hip, and “the Urinator” sport this. My wife would never sleep with me again.